Most men who cheat still love their wives
Through the years, I have dealt with or know of many men who have cheated on their wives. The most interesting thing that I discovered was that most still loved their wives when they did cheat.
This is not a blanket statement. Some of the men up and along the way fell out of love with their wives. That is why they sought someone else. But when we look at the driving reason why most sought or accepted the advances of others, it is not based on a lack of the emotional feeling of love. They don’t want to cheat and yet they do. Cheating goes against their nature and their faith. They would have a fit if their spouses cheated. So, why do they cheat?
Most surveys are wrong
In all the years I have had as a counselor, friend, pastor, teacher, and Marine officer, I think most surveys concerning why men cheat are wrong.
- It is not about money!
- Despite what surveys say, it is not lack of love!
- It is not that their wives make more money, the loss of a job, or the access to other women.
It boils down to one word: frustration. Frustration found in one or more areas of their lives. By addressing the needs of what observation and experience has taught me, I hope to provide an out before anyone does cheat.
“It boils down to one word: frustration.”
1. Men Seek the feeling of having their spouse need them
Even if they are Mr. Mom, they need to feel that their spouse and family need him. He has an indwelling desire to know that if he were not there, his family will feel a great void that only he could fill. His frustration with the lack of being needed, leads him to seek a place where he is needed.
2. Need to have input valued
When a man loses the respect that comes with his family listening to him and actually valuing what he is saying, he feels distant and alienated. His frustration due to lack of respect leads him to seek someone who values his input.
3. Men want to feel wanted
Even the hunter gets tired of hunting. There comes a point where the wife either still gets excited to see him or he will find someone who will. The contrast of days where everyone rushes to greet daddy to “Oh, hi,” shows a definite who needs you in the air. Frustrated, he will seek someone who actually looks forward to seeing him and will want to be around him.
4. Men need to feel like they are desirable
Let’s face it. As men get older, the Adidas god physique in them begins to be replaced with the bowling ball tummy. The face that once was rugged good looks is now been replaced by just rugged looks. As men get older, their testosterone decreases and they can’t always perform or are even driven like they used to be. That means that they are less the aggressors and now must be sought. Surprise women, men want someone who wants to bang his eyeballs out at 70. Even without drive, they get frustrated if they don’t feel that they are the one that ignites passion.
“She needs to know that he still makes her boat float, even if she has to fake it.”
5. Need to be able to satisfy their spouse
As a man gets older, the lead in his pencil doesn’t always make itself known. Ladies, don’t take this personal, it comes from a drop in testosterone, among other things. Let me present this question, “Do you want sex or intimacy?” Sex is a physical fulfillment; whereas intimacy is more of a physical servitude to each other. This is where a man needs to be the spouse’s cat’s meow. The spouse still may not be able to orgasm. However what is more important to her, the orgasm or the passion?
This will be a surprise for most men, but if a wife wants passion in a marriage, she needs to let her man know. She needs to know that he still makes her boat float, even if she has to fake it. If a man seeks physical closeness, and the wife is nonchalant, he will get frustrated. When he gets frustrated here, he will seek to prove his manliness somewhere else.
6. Need to succeed
Don’t confuse this with just job success. So many men are envious of other men who have success with family relations. When they see notes in the other guy’s lunchbox or see the man calling his wife on his break, they get jealous. Men want this. Surprise! Sometimes those who never advance on the job will maintain the respect of their peers because of their home relations. By not giving a man someplace where he is successful, he will get frustrated with his life and seek success somewhere else.
Don’t read these frustrations and use them as an excuse to cheat! But share these with your spouse and discuss them. Let her feel your frustration. Bring her into your life and work through your frustrations together. If you don’t let her in, but continue being frustrated, you open yourself to temptation. You are not required to be the towering rock that has to have everything together. Towering rocks crumble during an earthquake. Work through these frustrations together and also realize your spouse may have the same needs and frustrations that you do.
When you have worked through your frustration and are satisfied in your relation, you will find happiness and joy that you have longed for.
If you have already cheated on your spouse, not everything is over. I suggest that you seek some wise council. One such place to do this online is: http://www.cheatingsupport.com/
Of course one of the best place to seek help is your local church. Remember, a good church won’t condemn you, they’ll help you!
Greg Brown is a father to three grown men, black belt in Karate, and has served 12 years as both an enlisted man and officer in the Marine Corps. He is also a businessman, teacher, author, pastor, semiretired, person as well as the Associate Editor of The Manly Blog.